How to Hone Your Bitch-dar; Keeping Nasty Gals Away

Bitches be crazy. With men, sure. But with other women...well that's a whole other level. When Congreve penned his infamous line hell hath no fury like a woman scorned in the 1600's, he probably should of modified it to anticipate modern times: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...by bitches. Now, I'm no hater of other girls by any means. Actually, it's precisely the fact that I'm a girl's girl which makes betrayal of female friendship so unleashing of said fury. So, how does a lovely and loyal girl such as yourself make sure you never feel the bitch betrayal? It's as simple as honing in on your bitch-dar, with these tips and tricks of the girl trade. Allow me to elaborate:

- Hateful on being grateful.

I'm a grateful person by nature; living a happy and fulfilled life is only perpetuated by remaining so, in my opinion. I don't take anything for granted, including friendship. (And travel. And music. And sushi. And dessert. Dessert. And more dessert. Let's just say I'm forever grateful for all desserts.) Get your bitch-dar red flags to half mast if you recognize a girl friend who just seems ungrateful...for everyone and everything in her life. I've seen this more so in models than any other demographic of friends, I assume because being beautiful often makes things come easier than they would for those who have to work for model-afforded perks. (Trips, designer clothes, comped dinner, etc.) This observation is not without exception though as a some of my most mind-blowingly gorgeous model friends also possess the most gratitude. Nonetheless, model or otherwise, if she's ungrateful for what you do for her, it's because she doesn't value it. And girls who value very little have the loyalty levels of zip to zilch. I think I can speak for all thanks-giving girls alike when I say no thanks.

- Lost, lonely, little girl.

I have a ton of girl acquaintances, a fair number of close girl friends, a handful of super close girl friends, and one best friend and one sister, both of whom I would trust with my life...or my last piece of cheesecake. We all stay in pretty much constant communication (maybe a little too much -- I know what my sister eats everyday for every meal and vice-versa...seriously) whether it be via perpetual texting, or in-person hangs. While this sounds excessive, most girls are the same way. While men can be lone wolves of (usually) cultivated mystery and aloofness, women tend to be sharers who bond by doing exactly that -- sharing. (One need only watch the Friends episode where Rachel encourages Ross to share with his guy friends the way she does with her gals to see the benefits.) If a girl says you're her only girl friend, or that she, and I quote "usually doesn't get along with other girls", well honey, it's for a damn reason. Girlfriend is going to screw you over...and soon. Such ostracized members of the female sex tend to thrive on 1) male attention and 2) competition. You'll get in her way and she'll cut you down, or she'll step on you on her way to whatever top spot she deems hers. Pass.

-  Too much, too fast....and not in a good way.

We live in an era of fast friends. You meet out through friends once or twice, you have one solid day time hang, and suddenly you're posting inside jokes on each others' Facebook walls, pre-gaming together before every club outing and proclaiming "OMG loooove you!" all the freaking time. I've been there, you've been there, we've all been there. I'd say one in every twenty of these friendships turn out to be the real thing while the rest...well let's just say easy come, easy go, especially when you're an easy (friendship) ho. Girls that tend to latch on and get all up in your life way too fast just strike me as...odd. There's no need for a friend to social climb over all normal boundaries to either date all your friends or befriend all your friends. It's creepy. It's weird. And there's probably a reason she's running away from her life and taking over yours. Obsessive relationships are for junior high kids and bad movies. (Hello, Swimfan.)

- (Don't) save our souls.

A wise man once told me "You can't save everybody Sheila." Sure, this was at an afterparty at 4 a.m. and that wise man was not sober, but the gist of his words was accurate. I have this habit of finding lost girls and wanting to save them through being there for them...endlessly. This has perhaps been the most acute lesson of my twenties when it comes to friendship: you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. I've been burned more than a few times by still giving myself to such friends who have hurt me simply because I know their lives are more messed than mine will ever be. But alas, some people are beyond my capabilities, or more accurately put, just don't wanna change. Self-loathing, torn families, tragic incidents and substance-fueled pasts don't have to mean dark presents or futures...but if a friend has no desire to change, then c'est la (or c'est their) vie. Not yours.

Finely honing your bitch-dar takes a little know how and a lot of experience. At the ripe old age of 26, I can say I've had a sufficient amount of both the former and the latter. There's no need to be cutthroat or cold about any of this -- but perhaps a little perspective will help with this guide: friendship is a privilege, not a right, and by now I know to bestow this privilege only on those who I see fit. Add positively to my life, or don't add to it at all. Happy honing, my darling readers! Scorned, schmorned...ain't nobody got time for that. x

OMFG -- Girls be Crazy.

Girls are crazy. I don't mean that in a derogatory way by any means -- crazy is a good thing in my books and oh boy, let me reiterate...girls are crazy. Just nuts. Psycho. Bananas, if you will. If there's one thing I've learned in my twenties thus far, it's that girls are crazy and boys are stupid. As far as men go, well there isn't much to say there. Under-thinking and over-acting results in stupid. End of story. But women.....oh goodness. We could write novels and novels on the highly complicated and intricately intertwined way through which women are perceived as crazy! So allow me touch upon Chapter One at least in the Great American Novel of Women: being cray-cray in your twenties.

The height of my dear fellow girls manic years appear to be our twenties. Blame it on impending maturity, blame it on constant change, or simply blame it on the al-a-a-al-a-alcohol baby, either way I'm sure we've all met, dealt with, or purposefully spilled our drinks on what can only be described as some crazy ass bitches. However, all crazy ass bitches start off as normal, pleasant girls. It usually is a slow decent from there with crippling factors such as boys, friends, frenemies, boys, careers, parties, and what's that? More boys. Women are the only creatures I know of who can love and despise each other so frequently and effervescently. I have literally had girls tell me "I love you!" only to smack talk me to the next person they turn to. I've also experienced varying relationships with girls whom I am super tight with, then suddenly cannot deal with anymore. It's a variety of factors really, all in motion all at the same time, perpetually and complicatedly that spin through a girls' head and get untangled and re-tangled when mixed with the emotions, security levels, and confidence issues she happens to be dealing with on whatever particular day. I'm not advocating that men are less emotionally complicated creatures....no wait, that's exactly it. Either that, or they just choose to ignore their emotions, something I can assure you no girl can do on a regular basis.

One only has to look at pop culture to see this bitches-be-crazy trend is widespread. Anyone see Bridesmaids this weekend? (Hilariously funny and not just in a raunchy way -- Team Wiig for the win!) Long story short, putting a group of girlfriends together in a high-stress situation (that being planning a wedding-- anyone who says otherwise is lying!) ends up in pent-up psycho rants, tears, and jealousy. Oh jealousy...the green-eyed monster born from insecurity is, in my opinion, the root of 95% of all girls gone crazy. No one waltzes into their twenties entirely sure of themselves (anyone who says otherwise..totally lying again) and when you're in a scene where looks get you places, maintaining ideals of perfection can be an obsession. Throw in other factors (once again, I'm going to stress boys, the little devils) and you've got situation after situation where girls feel they need to validate themselves in one way or another. I'm a self-admitted possessive person (I'm going to blame it on me being a typical Taurus...and nothing else) and nothing grates a girl's self esteem like a little bout of jealousy. Sadly, for most girls it's instinct to get fiercely jealous whenever they see other hot girls around. Tearing them down is an easy way to cement your own self-esteem but ultimately an immature tactic.

Girl on girl hate is so rife in the clubbing and modeling world, and within any social group really. It's ridiculous and unjustified, and I've been on both ends of it throughout my teen and twenties. However, making a conscious effort to be a sister instead of a hater is an easy one and one I've tried to follow in recent years. I'm nice to everyone for the most part (unless something mean is done, then obviously I'd stand my ground....strongly too.) and it's so much easier, nicer, and well, better for your self-esteem at the end of the day to be a lover not a fighter. Why bother ripping apart the beautiful girl who just walked into your casting? It's so much better to get to know her and end up partying together til 4am that weekend.

Acknowledging such a simple rules as "be nice to others" may appear juvenile, obvious and most of all logical....but from one female twenty-something to you all, trust me when I say there is no logic as a girl in your twenties. Just a whole of cray cray.
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OMFG.....the Drama!!!

"She's pure drama." Those were the dismissive last words a friend of mine spoke of another friend, whom she is currently on the outs with. The word drama has come to have a decidedly negative connotation among social groups meaning some one who brings gossip, backstabbing, and all other things we'd all like to think we left behind in middle school. What exactly passes for drama when we're in our mid-twenties? Gossip, backstabbing, of course, are still relevant, but now the word also seems to encompass any situation that does not get resolved quickly and tidily in a relatively short amount of time. Being a woman in her mid-twenties with emotions and intelligence, I'm sure I can vouch for other women of similar emotional and intellectual levels in saying that not all situations have a tidy means of ending.
Personally, I've never been one to be accused much of being a "drama" starter. I'm generally rational and when going through something in my personal life, I try it keep it just that, personal. However, I'm not immune to illogical bouts of feelings that leak past my personal walls, or drunken spouts of spazzing at those I soberly feel deserve a lashing when I'm in an unpleasant mood and about four martinis in. If you're a woman and reading this, chances are you can sympathize with my ordeals. But, if you're a man, and anything like the men (or boys, as I think many of them are. No offense to the true gentlemen readers out there.) I've had to deal with thus far in my twenties, your train of thought might be something along the lines of "Damn, these chicks are crazy!!" Ah, men. Perhaps the most dismissive of them all when it comes to labeling girls as "drama". There's no need for me to get into the tired and true argument that yes, woman are indeed more emotionally driven versus the so-called logical thinking of men -- it's common knowledge by now.
Granted, there are dozens of dizzy dolls out there for whom throwing a tantrum or acting haughtily and princess-like can be triggered by the pettiest of actions; you know, those girls who gather their Plastics together and conspire against that girl they barely know because she may or may not have been talking to one of their ex-boyfriends from a million years ago. Immature idiocy aside, twenty-something woman of reasonable persona definitely do not lack emotionally trying and at times downright tough episodes in life. Love, deception, death, friendships, change and careers are all topics we go through perpetually but seem especially exposed when experiencing them for the first time during this decade. Such legitimate experiences warrant a little drama, in my opinion at least.
The next time you find yourself dealing with some one who appears to be "pure drama", ask yourself a couple questions; Is the drama justified? (Quick note: all situations involving clothes, guys who are dicks, hair extensions and dirty looks need not apply.) If it is, how can you be there for them? Because really, that's all drama is -- a little cry for some support and just as easily as said support is given, the drama disappears.
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OMFG -- the Superficial.

I nod my head politely as the girl in front of me asks mundane questions about my life. "Good! And you?" has been my response more than once. We've met many times, and we're "friends" enough...we've even hung out during the day, albeit with our respective boyfriends in tow at the time. Suffice to say, I've spent enough time with this girl to know her as more than an acquaintance....yet as we chat here in a crowded club sipping our drinks, I am utterly and totally unfocused. Some girl's glittery purse is holding my attention more than this conversation. I've come to conclusion that, while undeniably beautiful in appearance,  dressed to the nines and lovely in all ways the eye can see... this girl is boring. I don't feel bad for thinking this only because it isn't a snap judgement -- after spending as much time with her as I have, I can safely say she has slim to zilch of a personality. Interestingly enough, this girl is insanely popular and is very much a permanent fixture in the nightlife scene in the city. Yes Toronto, I guess we really are that superficial.
Maybe everyone sees something in her I don't, or maybe we simply don't click -- but I think it's more everyone is just insanely superficial. Let's face it; as long as you're beautiful, you're accepted. "Wouldn't it be a ridiculous world if everyone worshiped models?" a friend of mine once joked over coffees in London earlier this year. "But don't they already?" was my other friends brisk but truthful response. How else can one explain the social lauds of some one who's the personality equivalent of expired tofu? Simple: as long you look good, people want to be seen with you. At least in the circles of the city's self-proclaimed young, hip, and fashionable. Beauty equaling convenience isn't ground-breaking news in any way, but it certainly is something worth acknowledging when out and about in the city. Throw a hot dress on a decent looking girl and she's pretty much guaranteed access to a club sans cover and probably into a booth where the drinks are free depending on how forward she is. Throw a hot dress on an agency-rate model and well, there's no stopping what she can do! I'd be lying if I said I hadn't taken advantage of this myself -- waltzing into booths where I barely know the promoters or bottle-buyers is something I've done on many an occasion (albeit graciously as I can) and it fascinates me that this is something I have the privilege of doing simply because some people think I'm pretty. I'm grateful for it, but boggled by it at the same time. But really, as a twenty-something who is just looking to have a fun night out for the most part, I can't really complain.
Obviously the difference between your party friends and real friends is that you actually know your real friends; inside jokes, advice doling and shoulders to lean on trump bottle shots, drunk spewings of "No! I love you!!!", and empty compliments any day. I've been lucky enough to have more than several party friends become real friends the difference being, to start with anyways, is that you see them during daylight hours. Like Carrie and her gals once said about Big, "daytime makes it real!" and I couldn't agree more. Without flashing lights, total sloppiness and an atmosphere where one can get away with anything, you can actually start to get to know the girl behind the sequin dress or the guy behind the v-neck and loafers.
Oh superficiality! For some one who's in the business where my looks are literally my selling point, I guess it's allowed me to dwell on the subject more than I would had I another job. I'm both appreciative and frustrated at how simple things can be when one is seen as good-looking. As long as you don't take it too seriously and are rendered personality-less by it (seriously guys, the equivalent of expired tofu.) it's an interesting world to be a part of. I know my friends are my friends based on awesomeness and nothing else, so in that respect I know I'm still grounded. Capitalizing on what you have is one thing; becoming totally lame and boring  because of how convenient the world is to you is another. Give me engaging conversation, martini-coming-out-of-my-nose laughter and genuine caring any day; all the other stuff gets old. x

O snip, M snip, F snip G snip..

 While sipping a French Martini on the patio of some nondescript lounge in the city the other hot summer night, a girl I'm friends-ish with sauntered on over and said a friendly hello. Actually -- let me clarify: the conversation went like this: "Oh. Em.Gee. Hi gorgeous! It's been soooo long! Backhanded compliment about my dress and how awesome Zara is for getting cheap clothes. What are you up to these days?! Inappropriate comment about my ex and why our relationship failed. We should totally get coffee some time! Jealous comments about some model pics I posted on Facebook ages ago. Anyways, it's sooooo good seeing you! Oh. Em. Gee!!! One more backhanded compliment for the road. Apparently my hair was going limp from the humidity." That's right bloggees, I had encountered the dreaded frenemy. For those of you not up to speed on the many shades of friends present in this complex social realm, I offer you a brief refresher course: Frenemies can be described as girls you know and occasionally hang out with who do all the talking while you roll your eyes and think in your head "Bitch, please!" They're easier to be nice to than not be nice to, simply because you know girlfriend would become a vindictive little pain in the ass if you were to, say, brush off her stories about how she just spent the last two weeks retouching her hair to get it just the right shade of peroxide blonde. Gay boys can fall under the frenemy category as well, but straight boys are exempt of the rule since, well, straight boys are incapable of being anything but straightforward and logical when it comes to friendships. (Which is sweet and all, but come on, we all know girls and gay boys are the ones who run this social business.)
I personally don't find it too hard to deal with frenemies. I've had my share and for the most part, I find them harmless and even amusing...I mean you don't even have to do any talking, they're a conversation within themselves! I've perfected standing there, nodding my head with a smile plastered on and offering advice as sincerely as I can when they tell me about problems they're going through even though I really don't know much about them aside from the fact that they like their martinis dry.
However, it's when a frenemy turns toxic, and not in that sexy, mysterious way Britney breathily sings about, that you have to do some snipping. Cutting out toxic friends is like social tailoring for me: you want to make sure your social circle is made to fit you perfectly, no loose ends, no rough edges and certainly no extra pins leftover in your custom YSL shirts to stab you in the back!
A site a I frequently visit, TresSugar, recently posted "10 Signs of a Toxic Friend", and if you know any frenemies of yours who fits even half of this list, it's time to sharpen the blade. Check out the link below!
http://www.tressugar.com/Toxic-Friend-Signs-7659989
The list is effective and precise when it comes to singling out exactly what makes a friend toxic, but if you prefer a simpler method, ask yourself one question: "Does this person make me happy?" If the answer is a big fat no, be confident that your life will be better sans the frenemy. Cutting a person entirely out entirely may seem harsh, but what has to be done has to be done and your future, happier self will thank you later. While most frenemies are harmless, it's the ones that drain the positive energy out of our lives that raise red flags. Just imagine how much lovelier a conversation I could of had with some snipping: "Oh. Em. Gee. Snip!" Bitch, please.
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