1. "Hey baby -- I think I know you! Didn't we sleep together before?"
Oh goodness. I don't even know where to start on this one. First of all, implying to a girl that she's slept with some one and doesn't remember is probably the worst thing you can do. Maybe repeating "must not make girl feel like slut!" as a general rule of thumb would be a good idea, boys! Also implying that you have been with so many girls you can't remember if maybe, possibly, you've slept with her doesn't exactly paint the prettiest picture. No, it doesn't make you seem like a debonair stud who goes around bedding women with Clooney-like dapperness; it makes you look like a creep who goes around banging women with STD-like grossness. Another point to note: pairing this line with your hand on her ass guarantees a drink in the face. And then the glass thrown at you as well. (In my defense, I didn't throw the glass at his face..but only because being intoxicated skews my aim. Ha.)
2. "Hi gorgeous. Are you a model? Because I sure am."
This zinger starts of flattering enough, I mean who are we kidding, all girls want to hear they look like a model, i.e. better than all the other girls at the club but then the ending -- oh that ending! I actually laughed out loud when some guy pulled this on me. Let's be clear here: posing for a photographer friend's expensive new camera, having the picture desaturated and then stamped with a little logo in the corner and posting said picture as your Facebook profile pic does not, I repeat not make you a model. Neither does having "catwalk" pictures of you from a couple club shows because you know the promoters of the club and hit the gym extra hard that week. These revelations are especially embarrassing when the girl you're hitting on is a model and knows the difference between a comp card and that Zoolander-like photo of you you're showing her on your iPhone. Actually, come to think of it, any girl, model or not, would know the difference! Unless you're with an agency, and a narcissistic asshole who preys on girls with low self-esteem, this line probably isn't going to work.
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| College Humor says it best: the Anatomy of a Douche. |
I want to preface this one by saying that I've heard this line not one, not two, but on three separate occasions! The first time I was mildly amused, the second I thought I heard wrong and the by the third time I think I snapped "Nope, not heavy enough!" and walked away. That's why preconceived lines like this one are such a huge fail; we girls know you've put all this thought into it and that comes off as desperate and -- well just kind of sad! Also, the line is so generic it implies you're just trying it on every girl and seeing who reacts to it. Not exactly the greatest when girls want to feel one of a kind. Other lines in the lame cheeseball category include "So, they rearranged the alphabet and put U and I together!", "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?", "Are you tired? Because you've been running around in my head all day!" Here's a simple way to put it: Pre-planned cheesy line + wink + any shiny item of clothing = attraction levels similar to Walowitz from the Big Bang Theory! Google image "Walowitz" boys, and you'll never use such a line again.
4. "That dress is really beautiful! And it goes really well with your shoes. You have great taste!"
Don't get me wrong men, flattery will get you everywhere; make it sincere flattery and you're pretty much golden! But compliments on what we're wearing...well it's puts you into that "is he or isn't he into women?" zone. This grey area is right next to Friendship-ville which is one stop away from Never-gonna-get-any-land. Yes, we may have our arms around you, will dance and grind with you, and are sharing stories with you about that-jerk-that-did-that-thing-to-us-but-why-won't-he-text-omg!, but if you look closely we're also doing that with all our other girlfriends at the club. In other words, if you haven't expressed that you're into us and not just our clothes, we probably think you're gay! Compliment the girl, not the clothes boys, and we won't confuse you with the plethora of amazing gay friends we already have to tell us our dresses are fierce.
5. "Wow, you're really pretty! Almost as pretty as your friend over there!"
The back-handed compliment was a good method like five years ago, but now this counter-method of knocking the prettiest girl down only because it makes you stand out from the rest of the men slobbering over her has become so common that it's lame. The girls you're going to reel in with snide remarks like this either have serious daddy-issues or....nope just serious daddy issues! And if she doesn't, she's just going to think you're an ass, which is generally how I feel when I get one of these backhanders laid on me. Playing this little game is amusing enough I guess, but it you're a real gentleman or, you know, a decent human being, you'll find a way to create the chase without having to insult a gorgeous girl that you're actually into. Also, dishing it out means you better be prepared to take it, so unless you want to hear about how your hair has too much gel, or just because the Jersey Shore is in doesn't mean that Ed Hardy shirt is, and oh, is that some make-up we spot covering the bags underneath your eyes?, it's best to just steer clear of backhanded compliments! (Side note: I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't wear Ed Hardy to a club. Or any other place. Or in life. Ever. Just don't. Perhaps on Halloween with a big dose of humor and irony but that's the only exception people!)
Those are five of the worst pick-up lines out there...but that's just the tip of the iceberg. A good friend of mine got "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!" in all seriousness the other night and honestly, the fact that she didn't burst out laughing at the poor guy should get her a medal in grace. I can't speak for all the other ladies out there but I'm usually interested when a guy is sincere. Oh, and when all else fails, just remember those ever-important words: Don't be a douche.
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