OMFG - The Every Girl's Guide to Clubbing

We all know partying is awesome. But those of us who know just how awesome it is are the ones who do it a lot. And girls, I can say without a doubt that I fall into that category. From sneaky underage teen, to student partying, to going out as a naive model, to hard-partying model and now a promoter, I share with you all the clubby wisdom I've learned during my slightly inebriated (okay, heavily) years out. 

- Get in good with the promoters.

This is as basic as it gets. If you want to be taken care of in the future, get in good it the promoters. Don't know what promoters are? You probably should leave King West in favor of your local pub instead. This is easier than it sounds. I'm a relatively rare female promoter and am as social as they come. Walk up to me, be nice, make sure I remember your name and get your number and you're golden. It's even easier with dude promoters. Ladies, wearing something with a little T and a little A and introducing yourself will suffice. Sound fake and sleazy? Again, if this borders on morally wrong for you, I hear there are plenty of nice, local Irish pubs midtown.

- Tip the bathroom lady. 
If you tend to frequent the same clubs on the same nights, chances are you're being offered paper towel by the same bathroom attendant each visit. Tip this woman, and tip her well. And, if you're coherent enough to string together sentences, engage in small talk. Why? The bathroom is where most, if not all, illicit club behavior goes down and goodness knows you don't want to be disturbed when partaking in illicit behavior. I am sure to get a hug every time I see the bathroom lady at the club I promote at on Friday nights. I am also sure I could get away with murder in there. And hey, if you're not quite as illicitly inclined as yours truly, at least it's guaranteed access to hairspray and gum.

- Don't be a bottle fiend.
So you've gotten in good with the promoters and there's usually a booth and bottles waiting for you upon arrival. Usually. There is nothing, and I mean nothing more annoying than a bottle fiend -- you know, those chicks who ask every 5 minutes when the bottle is arriving. There are ways to get drinks before the bottle comes. It involves asking the bartender for one, and giving them little rectangle pieces of paper in return. Yes, ladies, you can buy your own drinks on occasion! I get many a "as if I have to purchase my own drink" huffy face from girls all the time, but darling, if you can't afford to drop $20 (or less!) on a drink then I feel bad. Mainly because you'd be better off not by the bar, but working the room as a hooker instead. Gotta get that cab fare home somehow, right?! If the logic still stumps you, think of it this way; by the time you finish your one purchased drink, the bottle will have arrived and you can guzzle that like a baby until the nights over, or until you pass out. Which ever comes first.

-The early bird gets the worm.
And by worm, I mean hassle free entry to the club. There's no need to arrive at 10 (unless you'd like to help set up the booths with staff) but rolling up at 1a.m. with a crew and expecting to waltz in is risky. Unless you know the promoters well (and as one I must say it's a headache to get friends in when its packed and late.) Or are sleeping with the owners (that's the AMEX black card of clubbing...but less exclusive.) Chances are you're going to be waiting. And this is Canada, so half the time that's waiting in the cold. Do the smart thing and breeze in at a timely 11:30. You'll be part of the action...no sleeping with the owners necessary. 

- Don't BYOD.

As in don't Bring Your Own Drugs. I'm not saying everyone does them and no one talks about it...wait no, that's exactly what I'm saying! Either do them before you get there, or purchase on location. Worried about there not being any dealers around? Of course there will be! That old-ish, ugly, leather-jacket clad dude inexplicably in the VIP section? He's one. The really short guy in a way-too-low v-neck and a perma-grin on his face with bulging eyes? He's one too. And if not, subtly ask a few people and they'll direct you to the right source. Getting caught with anything at the door means slight embarrassment and worse, you just wasted your stash. It's all about location, location, location. 


And there you have it...a girl's guide to clubbing as easily as possible. Slightly scandalous perhaps, but nothing more than what happens on a usual night at any given club. See you out and about ladies...x

Delusions of Granduer...OMFG

Happy New Year darling blogees! Don't be alarmed by the stark new appearance of OMFG...simply keeping it simple until I enlist the help of a techie friend to redesign the whole thing. In typical me-fashion, out of nowhere I decided the former layout was absolutely intolerable and had to be scratched immediately, if not sooner.

The ringing in of a new year means one thing for most: resolutions. Mine are normally the same and usually broken by the first week or so: eat less dessert (pftttt), exercise more (pftttt) and spend more time with family (okay, that one I do tend to keep). I find resolutions to be small, logical goals everyone aspires to integrate into their everyday lives...in other words, no fun at all. What I prefer to live by are delusions of grandeur. Of course, the difficult part with delusions is that they tend to remain in your head-space instead of in real space.

But, alas, I choose to live with one foot soundly tethered to the ground and the rest of me floating in the clouds. Makes for a mildly conflicted existence, but after twenty-four years of so of doing so, I can't imagine functioning any other way. To my credit, several of my nonsensical delusions have come true thus far in life...travel to New York as a model, insane comped trip to Vegas, visiting the homeland, aka Asia, with my family and meeting all my extended family there as well as partying my little face off in several continents. With such luck in having my seemingly far-fetched goals fulfilled thus far, one can only continue to dream.

Carrie's Vogue boss on Sex and the City once said "you can have it all...it just won't look like what you pictured it" and while first watching the episode, I remember whole-heartedly agreeing at the wisdom and truth of such a statement. A couple years later and what do I think? That line is a bunch of hooey. It's going to look exactly how you want it to as long as dreaming isn't all you do. Lost as I may be right now (and at twenty-four I'm going to pardon myself for a few more years before terror sinks in), I know my delusions of grandeur remain in focus daily and get a little closer each day.

Another resolution of mine this year? Curing my insomnia. Although it seems the hours between 2 and 6 in the morning are some of my most productive...how else can you explain blogging at 4 a.m.? It's back to bed and hopefully some sleep for me blogees! Happy dreaming! x