I always meet these girls when I'm out and about who are very pretty. They're perfectly toned and fit, cheery and happy, have shiny hair and teeth, and talk about vitamins and yoga. Their ensembles are always color-coordinated (little pink dress with pink shoes and pink nails, etc.) and they're always very nice. For some reason, I can just never relate to these girls, nice and pretty as they are. Perhaps they're a tad vanilla and I just get a little bored...or perhaps I just wish I was as put together as they were.
Truth be told, that while I have things together for the most part, some times I'm a spastic, emotionally snowballing, indecisive yet forward-throttling momentum who functions on a wavelength only I can hear. Ummm, yup, that pretty much sums it up. Ask any of my close friends and they can vouch for my overall ridiculousness. Perhaps that's why I feel so at home in the nightlife and modeling scene....it's a pace I'm comfortable in -- ample downtime dotted with unpredictable amounts of intensely busy periods. Go fast, burn out, recuperate, then do it all again. Sure, we can attribute this to a hedonistic youth, but let's recap here: I am in my hedonistic youth! Through promoting and modeling, at least I'm profiting from some of it.
Call me cray cray, but this up and down and at times super messiness totally works for me. I call it a constant state of transformation....realizing, maturing, that whole bit. As long as there's progress, which there is, than it's all good in my books! Okay okay, so maybe it's a little bit of me making excuses for my ridiculous situations some times, but really, how are we twenty-somethings supposed to know not to drink all night and perhaps do some drugs (Perhaps. We're being hypothetical here.) and then try and go to work on no sleep unless you do it once? Or twice, or ten times? Live and learn ladies and gents, and goodness knows I wouldn't know half the things I do if it weren't for my total disregard for responsibility which surfaces from time to time (usually between the hours of midnight and six in the morning...) Of course partying is the most obvious of situations here, but my last-minuteness in all areas of my life also seems to be serving me well, especially in recent years. Jumping, catching and chasing opportunities all over this city, and other cities, is something of a thrill for me and I wouldn't have it any other way...being unpredictable is a lovely quality in a person. Never one to be attracted to people who give it all away at once, I prefer not only to be a puzzle but to befriend them. Give me layers of complication and I'll stay interested forever.
I suppose my tolerance for the unstable also stems from my tolerance for emotions. Never one to shy away from them (as any long-time readers of this blog should know by now), I'm a big believer in feeling things out no matter how painful the process. A dying breed we feelers are I'm finding as many, especially go-getters in this cut-throat world, would rather push them aside and focus on work or whatnot. Anything to not have to suffer internally. I think all these people are destined for some sort of catastrophic meltdown, or living life as shells of who they truly are. How are we supposed to know who we are if we don't let ourselves feel what we should be? Of course, all the perpetually happy people might tell me otherwise, but you know what darlings, some times you just need to cry/yell it out. Catharsis...not just for tortured artists. Shit happens. Freak out. Then keep calm and carry on.
Living fast, teetering on emotional messes, slowing down just enough to get it all together and not learning lessons until you've lived through them is probably not the healthiest of lifestyles, but it's the only one I know how to live. Vitamins and yoga? I think I'll pass for now. Those pretty girls are all very nice and shiny, but I choose mysterious, reckless, scandalous (all the while still being exquisite...that's how we roll kids) over vanilla any day. Maybe when I'm forty and looking and feeling worse for the wear I'll regret it, but until then it's full speed ahead on my fiery little wavelength.
x
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